


Pushing Back

by fishcatfishcat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Acceptance, Bi!Dean, Bisexual Dean, Coming Out, Gen, Happy Ending, Rejection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-17
Updated: 2014-01-06
Packaged: 2018-01-05 00:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishcatfishcat/pseuds/fishcatfishcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean puts off coming out to Bobby as bisexual, flashing back to Sam finding out about Dean's sexuality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean was rigid as a board as he drove the Impala around Sioux Falls for the sixth time. It was an automatic response of his. Since his mum died, each time John had commanded him to do something, don't be weak, don't be such a girl, push your fears down, Dean's body responded by going stiff. Like pushing it all down, the things that made him Dean, took so much effort that it rendered his body paralysed. With a curt "yes, sir." Dean knew John would interpret his stature as one of respect, a soldier obeying orders. Which, in effect, he was.

But this, this was a different ball park. Bobby had never made Dean this anxious. Never. Come to think of it, nothing had ever scared Dean like this. He'd rather be in a room, unarmed, with a Wendigo. At least then he'd know the likely outcome, even if it did mean him being the one getting ganked.

Coming out. Who knows how Bobby would react? Each time he played the scene in his head his arms tensed even more. Their relationship could be ruined. Bobby might never look him in the eye again. He might spread it amongst the other hunters that Dean wasn't a real man. He wouldn't do that, would he? The veins on his forearms looked like they were going to burst, suggesting otherwise.

Why did Dean let Sam convince him into doing this? There was never really an official coming out with Sam. It came about in the same way he realized he was bi, it just happened. After a hook-up with a guy Dean would struggle to find the female version of his name to tell Sam. Sometimes pretending he didn't know his name at all. Dean would tell Sam he was going to 'her' house, despite Sam telling him that with the amount of research that needs doing the motel room would be empty anyway. Plenty of times Sam had returned the next morning to him and some chick sleeping in the tiny single bed, so what's the difference? The way Dean selectively chose to delete some porn from the laptop's internet history, even though he never seemed to care what Sam saw. Any other person wouldn't notice these things, but Sam did.

The penny dropped when Jamie picked up Dean's phone the morning after Dean met him at a bar. As they lay in bed, Jamie got to the phone first. "No, this is Jamie. I'll pass him along now." Dean didn't need to know what Sam said on the other end of the receiver. His stomach dropped. Jamie was the name Dean had told Sam, since it was a girl's name too, and he knew there was no way he could lie himself out of it. To Dean's surprise Sam didn't really seem to care. No, not like he didn't care, like it wasn't relevant. He later found out that Sam's acceptance was heavily influenced because he had had an experimental phase in college.

That didn't mean Sam was perfect, though. Sometimes Dean found himself having to explain again and again that it wasn't a phase, that he wasn't experimenting. He knew full well what he wanted. Then finally Sam said he'd believe him if he told someone. Which is what sent Dean driving round and round the small town until it passed by in a blur.

Eventually he found himself sitting in Bobby's kitchen, hugging a cold beer, not drinking any. He idly scratched at the label as Bobby read from an old, dusty book. Answering the question Dean had asked as an excuse to see Bobby. Not that he needed one, but if there wasn't a reason Bobby would definitely know something was up. But it wasn't long before Bobby noticed his hands shaking.

"Somethin' on your mind?" Bobby asked sarcastically, making it obvious he knew there was. Dean repositioned himself on the creaky wooden chair, and looked at Bobby's eyes for half a second. The realization hit him like a brick. He wasn't just looking for approval, he was looking for a father's approval. Because in that half second Dean saw how much Bobby cared for him. The way a father does for his son. Dean was lucky, he had a second chance at having a dad and now he was putting that on the line. And for what, to tell him he fucks guys from time to time? Something Bobby wouldn't even care about anyhow. No, it's not that he wouldn't care. It's because he wouldn't accept it. And though Dean tried to run from it, that's why he had to tell him.

"Bobby, I... I'm bi," he choked out somehow. In the pause that seemed to last an eternity Dean took a gulp from his beer, thanking God he had alcohol on hand. Bobby's face was unwavering.

"You're bi," Bobby pronounced each word clearly, as if translating from a thousand year old journal. Taking in the words but not understanding what on earth they mean. Dean was frozen, the only part of him moving was his thumping heart and his sinking stomach. He nodded but it felt more like a twitch. "I don't really know what to say to that, Dean."

"Me neither," Dean admitted.

"What'd you tell me for then?" something icy crept into Bobby's voice, maybe Dean was imagining it. He didn't look mad, or happy, just in shock.

Dean stood up, not sure if he didn't want to be around Bobby any more or if he felt Bobby didn't want him around. He made his excuses, wondering why his voice sounded so high pitched. Bobby mumbled in reply so Dean rushed to the door.

As he briskly walked to the Impala he didn't know what to think. He tried stopping himself from thinking entirely but he was busy trying to stop his eyes from welling up. Perfect, Bobby probably thought he's enough of a fairy as it is. He can't make it any worse. He got into the car and realized that nothing actually went wrong. He wasn't shunned or beaten. Then why was he feeling like his insides were caving in? _What's so bad you have to cry about it?_ Dean thought, except it wasn't his voice, it was John's.

There was no way he could stop it then. He had to let it out. Years of pushing down and pushing down and this was his first shot at pushing back. The bottom half of his vision went blurry as his eyes filled and Dean knew it wasn't too late. It wasn't a failed attempt and he could push back. He let out a sob as he turned the keys in the ignition, feeling rejection running through him. He pulled out of Bobby's drive and even though the non-acceptance from another father figure tainted him, it felt good to feel something. To not be afraid of feeling something. And even though he knew there was more pain and resentment to come with the more people he told. He embraced the idea of facing the pain as nobody but himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby contemplates Dean's bisexuality while Dean contemplates leaving Sam and Bobby.

Bobby was barely aware Dean had even been over until he heard the Impala's engine kick to life from outside. To say he was shocked was an understatement. To just come here for no reason other than to say he likes men? What the hell was he up to? Does he know what that could do to you? Not just in the real world but in the hunter business. What kind of message you're sending, what you're doing to your reputation. 

Nobody's going to hunt with him again, that's for sure. They'll all think he's a sissy. And the way he was almost crying? Way to be melodramatic. Although saying that, that's what those kinds of people are known for. 

Those kinds _? Jesus Bobby, you've known the kid his entire life and now you're treating him like a completely different person for something you found out just five minutes ago,_  Bobby thought. It felt unnatural to not be there for Dean and just let things drop like that. To not say anything at all to him when he was in a time of need. But what also felt unnatural was imagining him and a guy... Bobby shuddered away from the thought. Those kinda things should be left between a man and a woman, where they belong. Him being... _bi_  just isn't right.

* * *

 

It's no surprise to say Dean's well adjusted to hiding his emotions. It only took a minute for him to stop crying, another minute to properly wipe his tears and few more minutes for the red around his eyes to subside. He contemplated what had happened between him and Bobby. Dean told him, Bobby froze, Dean bailed. If there was anything positive Bobby wanted to say then he would have said it. But he didn't, and Dean wasn't a fool. 

Either Bobby would accept him or he wouldn't. And Dean decided he wasn't going to stick around and wait. If Bobby did come to his senses, well, it'd be too late. Because that's what he's doing, leaving. He wasn't going to waste his time with maybe, maybe nots. And it felt good. 

He was still riding on a wave of clarity when he arrived back at the motel. He had only been gone half an hour. He got out of the Impala and strutted across the lot, planning to bound into the room, pack up his stuff, give Sam an ultimatum, then leave. He stopped dead in his tracks and his hand hovered over the doorknob. 

Give Sam an ultimatum, how could he think that? Sam's the one who has stuck with him ever since he found out. The one who supported him and tried to help him. Sam and Bobby are different people who handled it differently. Dean never had to fear that Sam wouldn't accept- 

His breath hitched. What's the reason why he's leaving? What's the reason why he came out to Bobby in the first place? Because of Sam, because it was Sam who didn't accept him in the first place. Dean's mind wandered back to the previous night to the brief fight that brought him to where he was standing... 

 _"Do you think you'll ever be just one or the other?" Sam asked idly as he and Dean were watching Dr. Sexy M.D. One of the male Nurses had just confessed that his bisexuality was just a cover for him being gay. Dean could see what Sam was really asking._  

 _"Sammy, I've already explained this I-don't-know-how-many times. I'm not gay, I'm not straight, I'm bi." Dean said with a heavy sigh, not in the mood for Sam's questions. At the best of times his probing was intolerable. Just because Sam had a bi-curious phase he seemed to think that that's only what anybody's capable of. Unless they go the full hog and become gay._  

 _"Okay, just asking," Sam said in an innocent voice, trying, but failing, to hide his annoyance._  

 _"Yeah, well..." Dean said as he stood up from the sofa and walked past Sam to the kitchenette, muttering: "If you actually listened to what I said maybe you wouldn't have to ask so much."_  

 _"Jeez, when did you become so testy?" Sam asked, trying to add humour to his tone._  

 _"Sam, please," Dean said, another sigh escaping him. The last thing he wanted was for them to have a full blown row. He popped the cap of a beer and took an exasperated gulp._  

 _"What, Dean?" Sam demanded, leaning forward so he could get a clear answer._  

 _"Just drop it, Sam, I don't want to get into this right now," Dean sternly commanded._  

 _"Get into what?" Sam asked._  

 _"Into why you just don't get it,"_  

 _"Get what?"_  

 _"That someone can like guys_ and _girls and not be confused about it. Why can't you just accept that?" Dean pleaded._  

 _"I can't accept it, Dean, it just doesn't make sense. Especially coming from you, I mean you're the biggest womaniser I've ever known," Sam said, not knowing the impact each word had on Dean._  

 _"So you can't accept me," Dean said. It wasn't a question._  

 _"What if you told someone. I don't know, Bobby," Sam suggested after a long pause. It churned Dean's stomach to reply._  

 _"Okay. I'll tell him."_  

The very reason he was leaving was because of Sam. If Sam had left him, stopped probing, and let him come out in his own time things wouldn't have happened that way.  _Why did I let him make me do that?_ Dean asked himself. Feeling like everything, and nothing, was his fault. He was the one who came out, wasn't he? He could have just told Sam no, right? 

Dean chuckled lightly. When it came down to it he would never say no to Sam. And Sam would never say no to him. If Dean came barging in, demanding a yes or a no, he might as well just tell Sam to pack his bags and follow him, for the difference it would make. Sam would never say no. He'd always stick with his brother. Maybe he's another person he's just got to say goodbye to. 

It surprised Dean how easily he had let go of Bobby. No, he hadn't let go, he just didn't fight to keep him. But isn't that the same thing? Well, it isn't now. He either chooses to take Sam now or leave him here. 

It would just be Dean and the road. He's been virtually tied to Sam his entire life, save Stanford, maybe it's time they spent some time apart. Let Dean be who he is without question or doubt. Sam would understand. Hell, maybe Bobby would too, eventually. 

His hand was still hovering over the doorknob. He lowered it and let it drop, slowly beginning to turn around, making his choice. 

"Where the  _hell_  do you think you're going, boy?" a low voice grunted from behind him. Bobby. Dean's head flashed around. 

"Bo-" 

"Dean." Bobby interrupted. The face he was pulling, was it sad, confused, or ashamed? "When I was a boy I had the worst father you could imagine. Took every chance he could to hit me and my Mom. I can't even remember what I did wrong, I just remember this sick... injustice. I knew he wasn't being fair but I couldn't speak up about it because when someone's as screwed up as that, and they're the one's with authority, well, they're never gonna listen. In the end you forgot what you did, because at the end of the day it was pointless and so small compared to the bigger picture, and you focus on the cruel evil that this other person created. And it floods your vision, turns you bitter. He's the reason I never had kids, 'cause I knew I would do to them what he did to me. And today I found out I was right. You liking men, it's not the same thing, I get that. I'll never know what it's like. But I know there's bitterness out there clouding something beautiful and I want to put a stop to it. Dean, can you give Sam and me another chance? Please." 

Dean pulled him into a tight hug. Not caring about anything else, not bothering to reply. Of course it wasn't too late for Bobby. He didn't care if he started crying, and it seemed like Bobby didn't either. They pulled apart, each with streaming eyes and wide smiles, and they made their way into the motel room to join Sammy. And Dean learned that even though being yourself can bring you pain and resentment from a lot of people, that you can find those who are special and will always love you for being you. And even though you're strong enough to withstand the pain all by yourself, it's that much more bearable, and preferable, knowing you're not doing it alone.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up putting more into that than I expected...wow. Please give kudos and reviews :D I hope this constitutes a happy ending

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's a one shot but I'm probably going to write about Bobby coming to accept it because I don't think that'd be it for them. Please review and give constructive criticism :)  
> Update: I am working on the second chapter I just find it hard to get inside the head of homophobic characters/to care about their point of view.


End file.
